


Latter-Day Trolls

by Worlds_First_Ghost



Category: Homestuck, The Book of Mormon (Latter-day Saints)
Genre: Churches & Cathedrals, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Formalwear, Humor, Mormonism, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Polygamy, Religious Discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-19 13:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22711783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Worlds_First_Ghost/pseuds/Worlds_First_Ghost
Summary: Vriska has no interest in faith. But when a kindly stranger introduces her to a new worldview, will she soften to his way of life?
Relationships: Terezi Pyrope/Joseph Smith, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Vriska Serket/Joseph Smith, Vriska Serket/Terezi Pyrope/Joseph Smith
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	Latter-Day Trolls

“Uggggggggh! What are we even doing here, Terezi?” Vriska glared at the large building in front of her. Dull, earthy colored bricks made up the bulk of the structure, which stretched out wider than it was tall, although the overlapping, triangular roofs sought to make it appear more imposing. A white spire jutted prominently from the right side of its roof, its shadow slashing diagonally across the paved pathway that led to the building’s entrance. Within this shade was a sign situated near the path, the words “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints” inscribed in gold lettering on it.

“Dave recommended we should go.” Terezi rolled back on her heels, her sightless eyes looking up at the church in anticipation. “It’s supposed to be an enlightening look at human culture.”

“I’m preeeeeeeetty sure he’s just messing with you. Again. You believe every word that tool says and it really gives you a bad look!” Vriska hooked a finger in the starchy, white collar that chafed her neck. “Speaking of bad looks, did we have to dress in these stupid clothes, too?” She ran her hand over the beige tweed blouse Terezi had insisted she wore. The itchy material left a tingling sensation in her palm as if she had just stroked a piece of sandpaper. The matching skirt went all the way down to her ankles, ending just above the shiny black dress shoes that strangled her feet.

“Dave was very specific when he said that we have to dress nice.” Terezi, wearing an identical outfit, placed a hand on her hip while her eyebrows shot up. “You don’t want to be culturally insensitive, do you?”

Vriska rolled her eyes and turned away from her moirail. “Why do we have to pretend that human culture is in any way equal to ours? It’s insulting! We’d be a lot better off if we forgot about this cultural sensitivity stuff and went back to doing things like on Alternia–” A stripe of pain lashed across Vriska’s backside as Terezi struck it with her cane. “Ow! Hey, watch it!”

“Watch what? I’m blind, remember!” Terezi’s lips parted into a toothy, devilish grin as strolled towards the door of the church, swinging her cane about wildly and with no regard to the people she passed by. More than a few shins were smacked in her wake.

Vriska grimaced and rubbed her stinging butt as she trudged behind Terezi though the glass doors. A scattered number of people had already begun to fill the large, sparsely furnished main chamber. White light filtered down from the rows of fluorescent lights above, bathing the room and the people inside in an anemic sheen. Footsteps shuffling across the glossy tiled floor, bodies settling into their creaky wooden pews, and constant chatter of humans and carapaces exchanging niceties coalesced into an unrelenting buzz that mounted in volume as more people filtered inside. The girls’ own footsteps hardly registered amongst the clamor as they took their seats a few rows from the front. The lint-laden green cushion offered little separation from the hardwood seat, which didn’t help to ease the residual sting from Vriska’s bottom at all.

Shifting about in the pew, Vriska stared at the lone pulpit at the front of the room before turning back to the mass of attendees. Her glaring eyes passed over a multitude of saccharine grins and fancy clothes, causing her to wonder why they were all so happy to be here. Oddly enough, she failed to spot a single grey skinned body or pair of orange horns anywhere; she and Terezi were the only trolls in the entire building. Before she could ponder that observation further, she became distinctly aware of how quiet the room had gotten. All noise had been extinguished from the congregation, and each body in attendance was now as stiff and wooden as the pews they sat in. Every set of eyes was glued to the front of the chamber, and Vriska turned to match their gaze to see that a man was now standing behind the pulpit.

He was a pale, lean man, but his posture exuded the fortitude of a seasoned general. His smooth, full cheeks gave him the appearance of a young man, but his weary eyes belonged to one who was either much older or much wiser than he looked to be. He wore an old-fashioned black suit with a white ruffled collar that burst out of the front, looking as if he had just walked out of a different century. Glimmers from the overhead lights danced about in the neatly maintained field of his light brown hair, creating the illusion that a halo was surrounding his head. His murky blue eyes drifted one end of the chamber to the other, as if he was taking the time to look at each and every person directly in the eye. By the time he reached where Vriska was seated, she snapped her gaze downward to stare at her shoes. Whether it was genuine awe from his presence or the unsettling pleasantness of his expression that made her break eye contact, she couldn’t say. Nevertheless, she grumbled out a string of curses directed at her loss of nerve.

“Welcome, brothers and sisters, to today’s sacrament meeting.” The man’s cadence was steady and mild, yet it had effectively seized every ear in the room. The pews groaned under the weight of everyone leaning forward to get a better listen of his words. “Let us begin by singing the opening hymn.”

Like turning the key of a clockwork mechanism, the congregation got to their feet in startling unison. Their collective voices rose together in solemn harmony, flooding the room with a droning rumble as the noise reverberated off of the walls. Terezi slathered her tongue over the pages of her complementary hymn book, occasionally joining in on the song once she got a hold of the right lyrics. Vriska remained seated, watching this spectacle in stunned silence. She eyed the man up front suspiciously, whom was gesturing his arms up and down while his brassy tenor lead the rest of the choir. Was this human somehow using mind powers on them? The act was almost reminiscent of her own manipulation abilities, only applied to multiple people at once. The hymn ended just as quickly as it began and the room fell silent once more, save for the combined rustling of everyone settling back into their seats.

“Now let’s move along to today’s business,” the man said as he tapped the edges of several sheets of paper against the pulpit. “As you know, our church’s organ has been out of commission for the past three weeks. Fortunately, a new one has been generously donated to us by Elder Strider. We should receive it in time for next week’s sacrament.” A rolling applause circled about the chamber for a few seconds before swiftly decaying into silence.

Terezi elbowed Vriska in the side. “See? Dave’s pretty tight with these guys. Still think this is all a big joke, Serket?”

Vriska wordlessly glowered at Terezi before resting her cheek against her closed fist. Either Dave had just pulled the biggest prank on the both of them, or he was as loony as everyone else in this building. Her eyelids struggled to remain open as the man continued to drone on about church-related business for several minutes, after which he motioned for everyone to begin another hymn. This process repeated itself for a full hour. Another hymn, followed by a prayer or sermon, would then lead into another hymn. At one point, some men in suits walked down the aisles and passed out small samples of bread and water down the pews. Vriska handed her bite-sized chunk of bread and cup of water to Terezi, who happily gobbled them up in addition to her own portions.

All the while, the man at the front continued to proselytize and celebrate the teachings of some guy named Jesus. That was the same name that was on the sign out front, but the man’s words did little to tell Vriska anything meaningful about who that person even was. The only information she could pick up was that he apparently lived a long time ago and was a really nice person. In short, a real boring goody two shoes. These repeated praises of his character were sufficient to put everyone else in the church in a spellbound trance as they collectively nodded their heads and echoed the man’s words back to him in hushed mumbles. Vriska couldn’t help but curl her lips in a dismissive sneer. This entire function was nothing but a feel good session for these simpletons to feel validated. Whoever this Jesus guy was, he sure had enough worn out proverbs and empty promises of eternal happiness to make these people content, but nothing so far had resonated with her. No wonder there weren’t any trolls here; they were probably all too smart to be suckered into any of this.

With the final hymn concluded, everyone rose from their seats and mechanically shuffled down the aisles and out the door. Some lingered behind either to thank the man up front for the service or to exchange farewells with their fellows, but eventually the only two people left in the pews were Vriska and Terezi.

“That was fun!” Terezi cackled. Her shrill laughter bounced off every surface in the now vacant chamber, snapping Vriska out of her half-asleep daze. “We should come back again next week. I wonder what the hymns will sound like with the new organ installed.”

Vriska gagged as she shakily rose to her feet. Pins and needles erupted in her knees as blood rushed to them, almost sending her flopping back down in her seat. “YOU can do that. I just want to get the heck out of here.”

“What’s your deal? I thought it was pretty wholesome.”

“Wholesome? Oh, give me a break! You don’t seriously believe in this salvation junk do you? You think that someone’s going to reward you only if you do everything he says? Please! Let me fill you in on something, Pyrope, there ain’t nobody looking out for us. You’ve only got yourself to depend on in life.”

Vriska wobbled out of the pew and into the aisle only to see the man from the front standing in front of her. She gasped, having thought that he had already left, and gripped the wooden armrest so that her weakened knees wouldn’t buckle.

“Good morning, ladies.” The man smiled at the trolls cordially and extended his hand to Vriska. “My name is Joseph Smith. I hope you’ll pardon my intrusion. We don’t usually see many of your… complexion in our congregation. Are you interested in joining our church?”

“Yes, absolutely!” Terezi forced her way past Vriska and reached out to shake Joseph’s hand, but Vriska seized it and slowly brought it back down.

“Not so fast, Joe.” Vriska eyed the man warily. His polite expression remained unchanged. “Just what kind of phony baloney operation is this anyway? What mind powers are you putting on those people to make them chant and sing like a bunch of robots? And who is this Jesus guy you keep yammering on about and why should I care about what he has to say?”

Joseph rubbed his chin as he patiently waited for Vriska’s torrent of questions to end. “I see you have many doubts about our doctrine. Join me in the back and I’ll be glad to answer all those questions and more.”

His shoes softly echoed off the floor as he walked towards a plain wooden door on the left side of the room. Vriska turned in the opposite direction to leave, but she was pulled backwards before she could even take a step. Terezi gleefully dragged her by the arm as she followed Joseph into the room: a small office containing a desk and two tall filing cabinets. The chair was lined with a dark oxblood cushion, the same color as the carpet.

“Nice office!” Terezi’s nostrils flared as she huffed in the room’s secret aroma. “Very pomegranate-y! An undeniable sign of a lack of portentousness if I’ve ever smelled one.”

Vriska jerked her arm outward to shake off Terezi’s grip. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Crossing her arms, she turned to Joseph expectantly. “I don’t want any tricky business out of you, Joe. Do you hear me? I’m onto this whole shady scheme of yours, so why don’t you just make this easier on yourself and fess up right now?”

“I’m as transparent as they come, my dear,” said Joseph, closing the door behind him. “Ask me any question you wish.”

“Well first, what’s this whole group about? Is it some kind of weirdo cult?”

Joseph shook his head. “This is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or LDS for short.”

“And who is this Jesus guy?”

“Is he anything like Jegus?” Terezi asked.

“Jesus is the son of the Lord, our God,” said Joseph. “Long ago, he died so that we as a collective society would be free from sin.”

Vriska frowned. Each of these answers only seemed to beget more mysteries. “Enough of the cryptic bullshit, Joe! Is it so hard to get a concrete answer without all this philosophical mumbo jumbo? Who’s God and what is sin?”

“God is the Father. He is the creator of all spirits. Sin is an offense against Him, so we all must strive to lead lives free of it. Jesus’s sacrifice cleansed us all of initial sin at birth, but it is up to us to avoid sin for the rest of our lives.”

“How does he know if we commit sin or not? He can’t be watching over everyone at the same time, right?”

“He can. He is all knowing and all seeing.”

Vriska felt a bead of sweat press against her forehead. There were too many of these omniscient douchebags around.

“But through repentance and following the doctrine written in the Book of Mormon, we can earn God’s forgiveness,” Joseph continued. “The most righteous of us will achieve salvation for when we pass on to the next life.”

“Next life? What are you talking about?”

“The current lives we lead are called the pre-mortal existence. You see, like Jesus, we are all children of God, but we are born into mortal bodies so that our spirits can be tested and refined before joining Him in the eternal afterlife. The pre-mortal existence is a trial of sorts, testing our faith and resolve before we die and face our final trial before God.”

Vriska rolled her eyes. “Oh really? And how does that work?”

“When we die, our body and spirit separate only to be reunited in one of the three degrees of Heaven. After God has judged your soul to be worthy, you gain your own heavenly kingdom to rule over.”

Vriska snorted. “What a load! Let me tell you something, bud, I’ve already died and none of that stuff happened to me!”

Joseph’s expression remained placid. “Is that so? When you died, your soul on Prospit merged with your body and you were reborn on a different planet, correct? You refer to this as ascending to God Tier, but our scripture defines this process as exaltation.”

Vriska’s sneer fell off her face, briefly uncovering an expression of surprise before she quickly covered it back up with a scowl. “How do you know anything about Prospit or any of that stuff? You weren’t in the game with us, so someone must’ve told you all that! Who was it? It was Strider, wasn’t it!?”

Joseph calmly held his palms up in placation. “There’s no need to get excited. Yes, Elder Strider told me all about your exploits, which compose a fascinating tale, I might add. It’s valuable insight into the Lord’s plan that even I wasn’t aware of at first.”

Vriska narrowed her eyes while she mentally probed Joseph’s mind to detect any deceit in his words. Astonishingly, he seemed to believe every word he was saying. The pristine, glowing caverns of his thoughts all lead to the same heartfelt belief that the entirety of Paradox Space coexisted within his religion’s own cosmology.

“Okay…” Vriska shuffled in place while she processed Joseph’s revelation. “But if that’s true and I’m already exalted, where’s this big reward I’m being promised?”

Joseph stretched his arms out. “Look around you. This planet was gifted to you after your victory. Wouldn’t you call it your newfound kingdom?”

Terezi’s mouth hung open as she turned to look at Vriska. “Wow! He’s good!”

Vriska shook her head dramatically. “Pssssssssh! This planet bites! It can’t be my reward!”

Joseph merely shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not entirely your fault that you were granted a lesser degree of glory. You were never aware of God’s doctrine.” He pressed his fingers together and paused for a few seconds. “However, it’s not too late for you to improve your status. Perhaps there is a way for you to achieve a higher level of exaltation and gain a new kingdom worthy of your status.”

“Okay, but how do I do that?” Vriska asked, visible interest painting her face. This God guy probably had a big folder of sins all attributed to her. If there was any way of getting a free pardon from him, she was willing to take it.

A sly smile wormed along Joseph's face. “Have you ever heard about plural marriage?”

“What’s that?” Vriska knew about human marriage, even though she found it weird. It was like a highly formal matespritship that also forbade you from taking on other quadrants. It seemed backwards and limiting.

“The highest form of exaltation. The most holy and important doctrine ever revealed to any man. In order to be more like God, we must all take on multiple partners and forge as many bonds as we can. As an exalted being, God encourages you to continue forging these bonds during your second chance at life.”

“I always thought multiple relationships were a no-go for you humans. But now you’re telling me it’s okay, but only if it’s of the same quadrant? Man, you humans are more fucked up than I thought.”

Terezi clicked her tongue and whacked Vriska’s butt with her cane. “Don’t be rude, Serket!”

Joseph chuckled lightly. “I know it may seem odd, but it’s actually quite natural. Multiple matespritships is an apt way of describing it. Since us humans aren’t capable of hate and pity in the same way that trolls are, it’s our way of compromising the concept while still keeping true to its ideals.”

Vriska’s eyebrows shot up in surprised admiration. “Wow, a human who’s actually educated on how quadrants work. You’re really full of surprises, Joe!”

“I consider myself a rather learned man. I’ve dabbled in several subjects pertaining to your society and I find them most fascinating. Even though your people have never heard God’s word, your courtship rituals align remarkably well with His preference. Truly, it’s almost as if the teachings of the Book of Mormon were written with trolls in mind.”

“Then why weren’t there any trolls at the service today?”

“It’s just not in your culture, you see. God’s word never reached the far reaches of Alternia.” Joseph’s eyes glimmered hopefully at the girls. “That is why I’m so glad that you two came today. It’s not too late to lead this present generation of trolls down the path of salvation. I believe if more of them heard God’s words through the mouths of their own kin, they’d be more likely to accept it. Won’t you please help spread the good word?”

“Hell yeah I’m on board.” Terezi clutched Joseph’s hand eagerly. Her eyes glimmered behind her glasses as she stared at Vriska, silently urging her to join her.

Vriska maintained her distance from the pair. Even if it cleansed her soul before God, throwing herself into a strange quadrant such as this was a life-changing commitment. “So you’re sure that this marriage thing is the best way to get on God’s good side?”

“That’s right,” said Joseph. “Also, I suggest that you marry someone who’s already a member of the church. It will prove your commitment to our way of life.”

“Oh, come on!” Vriska groaned. “You’re telling me I have to get chained to one of these weak little worms? I’m waaaaaaaay too important for any of that!”

“Of course you are. That’s why I think you should marry me.” Joseph smiled and pulled Terezi closer to him. “You both can. And by forging this bond between us, it can serve as an example to the unenlightened trolls that our two cultures can coexist. Let our shared union be a form of celestial marriage, one that exists beyond life and death and locks our spirits in perpetuity”

“Come on Vriska!” Terezi begged. Her grip strangled Joseph’s hand as she bounced in place. “Let’s be this guy’s wives!”

Vriska stared at Joseph’s free hand intently. He certainly could match her in terms of charisma and ambition. It didn’t hurt that he wasn’t too bad looking, either. If she had to spend the rest of her life with this guy, it was worth it to save her soul. Besides, if she was going to marry a Mormon, she might as well marry the most powerful one there is.

“Alright, Joe.” Vriska grinned as she took his hand confidently. “Let’s do this! I hope you know what you’re agreeing to though. I don’t care how many matesprits you’ve got already; you ain’t ever had one like me before.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” Joseph lifted their hands up so that they were up to his chest. “We shall have the wedding tomorrow. Praise God.”

“Praise God,” the girls said in unison.


End file.
